Allowing Pain
Allowing the Pain (and the Anger) to Move Through You | Heartbreak Healing & Emotional Processing
One of the hardest parts of healing after a breakup — especially a slow, confusing, emotionally complicated one — is allowing yourself to actually feel what comes up.
Pain.
Anger.
Resentment.
Confusion.
The ache of being let down.
The grief of losing someone who once felt like home.
So many of us try to skip this part.
We try to “be strong,” “stay positive,” “move on,” or convince ourselves that we’re fine when we’re not. But avoiding your emotions doesn’t heal them — it buries them. And buried feelings don’t disappear; they surface later as anxiety, self-doubt, attachment wounds, or emotional numbness.
Feeling the pain — and yes, the anger — is part of healthy heartbreak recovery.
Here’s what I’ve been learning.
1. Anger Is Not a Sign You Didn’t Love Them — It’s a Sign You’re Reclaiming Yourself 🌑
When a relationship ends slowly, especially with someone emotionally avoidant, you don’t just grieve the relationship — you grieve yourself.
You grieve:
the version of you who kept trying
the moments you softened when you wanted to speak up
the boundaries you bent
the emotions you swallowed
the needs you quieted for the sake of peace
Anger isn’t about them.
Anger is your body saying:
“I deserved more than I settled for.”
In trauma-informed healing, anger is considered a protective emotion — the moment you begin turning back toward yourself after losing someone.
2. Pain Is the Body’s Way of Releasing What Your Mind Can’t Make Sense Of 🌒
Heartbreak pain isn’t just emotional — it’s physiological.
Your nervous system goes into:
fight
flight
freeze
or fawn
especially when you’ve been bonded to someone inconsistent.
The pressure in your chest, the nausea, the sleeplessness, the spiraling thoughts — they’re part of your body trying to process loss, uncertainty, and unmet needs.
You can’t logic your way out of heartbreak.
But you can feel your way through it.
When you let yourself feel:
the chest tightness
the lump in your throat
the sadness in your ribs
the shaking
the heaviness
the disappointment
the anger
you’re actually completing a biological healing cycle.
This is emotional detox.
This is somatic healing.
This is nervous system repair.
3. You’re Allowed to Be Angry at Someone You Still Care About 🌓
There’s a misconception that anger cancels love, or that you can’t miss someone and be angry with them at the same time.
But both can exist.
You can love someone deeply…
and still be angry they didn’t show up for you.
You can miss them…
and still be angry they pulled away.
You can cherish your memories…
and still be angry they didn’t protect the connection.
Anger is clarity.
It helps you see the relationship without the emotional fog.
And clarity helps you let go.
4. Suppressed Anger Turns Into Self-Blame — Felt Anger Turns Into Self-Respect 🌔
When you don’t let yourself feel anger after a breakup, the mind turns it inward:
“Maybe I overreacted.”
“Maybe I expected too much.”
“Maybe I wasn’t enough.”
“Maybe I should have been more patient.”
But when you feel your anger, really feel it…
you reclaim the truth:
“I was patient.”
“I showed up.”
“I tried.”
“I deserved emotional consistency.”
“I didn’t deserve the silence.”
Anger, when honored, becomes self-respect.
5. Feeling Your Pain Doesn’t Mean You’re Going Backward — It Means You’re Healing Correctly 🌕
People fear the waves:
the crying
the heaviness
the anger out of nowhere
the sudden grief at night
the feeling of missing someone who wasn’t good for you
But healing is not linear.
It’s not logical.
It’s human.
The waves come because your body is releasing the emotional weight you carried for so long.
Pain leaving the body feels like pain.
Healing feels like heartbreak before it feels like freedom.
So if you’re crying in bed…
or angry in ways you didn’t expect…
or grieving someone who faded away slowly…
you’re not broken.
You're processing.
You’re human.
You’re healing.
And you’re not doing this alone.
